


ready for the flight or to fall off a cliff

by redbatman



Series: season 12 [5]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Coda, Confessions, Crying, Dealing With Emotions Like Healthy Adults, Episode: s12e10 Lily Sunder Has Some Regrets, Getting Together, Hugging, Kissing, M/M, Telling Paranoia and Anxiety To Suck A Dick, Vessels, angel stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-07
Updated: 2017-02-07
Packaged: 2018-09-22 15:02:06
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9612983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/redbatman/pseuds/redbatman
Summary: “It’s all right, Dean,” Cas set a frame down and turned to look at him. “As you said before, I know who my friends are.”Dean’s heart stuttered a beat and he mumbled a briefyeah, okay, before shuffling around awkwardly pretending to examine the room. Castiel reached out and caressed the side of a photo frame, just once, briefly.Psyching himself up, Dean got ready for another shot at Expressing Emotion in a Healthy Way. “Hey,” he approached Cas. “You know you deserve to be treated good, right? You know you don’t deserve all the shit people’ve put on you, or the stuff any feathered dicks try to blame you for. You’ve always done your best to uh-to do the right thing. Sometimes-it’s easy for people to dump their shit on someone who’s willing to take on shit to help out. But man, it’s notyour jobto-” his words cut off in a stuttered sigh as Castiel turned and pulled him into a tight hug.





	

**Author's Note:**

> 12.10 coda since why not write two fics based on 12.10. title is from "she's the prettiest girl at the party and she can prove it with a solid right hook" by frank iero.

They had a couple drinks together before all meandering off to do some more work. Sam continued to search for possible leads on the motherfucking AntiChrist, humming to himself every so often, pinning and rearranging stuff on their Wall of Weirdness. Dean sat at the table scuffing his foot across the floor, doing an admirably half-hearted job of searching for Their Kind of Thing in a stack of newspapers, drinking a beer and alternating taking his turn at Boggle on his phone with Mary. Castiel was--well, _somewhere_. He’d spent a while helping Sam with their ongoing shot-in-the-dark search for Lucifer, before leaving the room with his empty beer bottle. Dean had thought maybe he was going to go get another drink and come back, but it had been a while.

 _Maybe he’s gone already_.

The prickly hot wave of panic that spread up from his toes at that thought made him push his seat away from the table and go looking for him.

He found him in the room that basically functioned as a pseudo office/den, whatever having a den really meant. It was a more private workspace and reading room, and also the place where Dean had arranged some of the photographs he used to carry around with him during all their years without a permanent home.

Dean hovered in the doorway. He ran a self-conscious hand through his hair and sighed softly, kicking his toe against the ground. “You know, I was almost worried you left,” he said in a small choked voice. He cleared his throat loudly and forced a laugh.

“I wouldn’t leave without saying good bye,” Cas replied. He was shuffling through some framed photos in his hands, picking a position for them to stand next to the other pictures. “And anyway I have nothing demanding my attention which would require me to go.”

“Thanks,” Dean felt a lump in his throat and swallowed. “I meant-I know I was acting like an ass, before.”

“You already apologized,” Castiel said, tilting his head and appraising the photographs he was arranging on the shelf.

He breathed in deep through his nose. “No, I know,” he stepped properly into the room. “But I just...listen-you know I’m not the greatest at communication right?” Cas snorted softly and Dean pushed lightly at his shoulder. “Hey man, I’m trying here,” he joked. His hand was still on Castiel’s shoulder. He let it slide slowly off, rubbing his thumb on the shoulder seam of his coat.

“It’s all right, Dean,” Cas set a frame down and turned to look at him. “As you said before, I know who my friends are.”

Dean’s heart stuttered a beat and he mumbled a brief yeah, okay, before shuffling around awkwardly pretending to examine the room. Castiel reached out and caressed the side of a photo frame, just once, briefly.

Psyching himself up, Dean got ready for another shot at Expressing Emotion in a Healthy Way. “Hey,” he approached Cas. “You know you deserve to be treated good, right? You know you don’t deserve all the shit people’ve put on you, or the stuff any feathered dicks try to blame you for. You’ve always done your best to uh-to do the right thing. Sometimes-it’s easy for people to dump their shit on someone who’s willing to take on shit to help out. But man, it’s not _your job_ to-” his words cut off in a stuttered sigh as Castiel turned and pulled him into a tight hug.

“Thank you, Dean,” Cas said, voice soft and deep and sincere into Dean’s neck. His arms felt solid, safe and strong and in a moment’s decision, Dean thought _ah, fuck it_ and let himself forget the whole rulebook that went along with Platonic Hugs Between Straight Buddies. He could remind himself again of all the reasons why Dean and Cas could never be _Dean and Cas_ on another night, when he hadn’t been certain for more than one horrible moment that Castiel was going to die and Dean wasn’t going to be able to die for him.

Castiel’s arms were most likely created to personally victimize Dean. Sure, he’d had more than his fair share of way more than PG-13 thoughts about them, God forbid taking his hands into account, but what was almost worse was how much he just craved being held by them. His entire body, his countenance and his presence had occupied such a large role in Dean’s life for almost a decade now that the mere sight of Cas made him long for something he couldn’t find words in himself to properly describe. Castiel was more solid than the earth, he was older than life and time. It was terrifying how much Dean knew he could depend on Cas to always save him. He didn’t know how to say _Please don’t destroy yourself for me, I don’t want to live without you._

He can’t lose Castiel, so he can’t take risks with him. He has to tiptoe around what they have, skirting the edges, reaching out to test the waters. He’d rather live with the ache forever than have Cas reject him. He would die if Castiel was disgusted by him.

Castiel let him pull gently out of his arms. The second Dean was free he felt cold.

“These are pictures from Benjamin’s collection,” Cas turned back to appraise the frames. There’s several portraits, and a group shot, everyone staring severely at the camera. “This is us, as we were at the turn of the century.”

Dean moved closer to get a better look. He saw Benjamin’s vessel, and Ishim’s, but he can’t seem to see any other- “Hey, are you in these?” he asked.

“That’s me,” he replied wistfully, indicating a dark haired person with piercing eyes….and a dress.

“You were a woman?” Dean blurted out, ears turning red at his own outburst.

Castiel arched an eyebrow at him. “Like I said about Benjamin-I’m an angel.”

“Oh, okay, wow,” Dean breathed, gazing at Castiel’s former vessel.

“Are you going to say something performatively misogynistic?” Cas asked.

Dean snorted. “Uh, touché,” he picked up Castiel’s solo portrait. Even in 1901, Cas looked like he was doing an x-ray of Dean’s thoughts. “But no. I won’t.”

“Is it okay if I keep them here?” Dean startled a little at Castiel’s voice, he was closer to him than he had thought. “I apologize, I should have asked.”

“No buddy, don’t be silly,” he rubbed his finger thoughtfully on the glass shielding 1901 Castiel’s face. “How many times do I gotta tell you that we’re family?”

Cas hummed. “Thank you.”

“She looks like you,” Dean said, before realizing the somewhat ridiculous nature of the statement. “I mean, she is you-I mean not _you_ , but you’re using her as a vessel-Not that your vessels aren’t you, I mean Jimmy’s not even knocking around in there anymore-”

Castiel, thankfully, just looked amused by another heroic attempt by Dean Winchester to swallow his own tongue. “She was Jimmy’s great-grandmother.”

He just shook his head. “Nah, that’s not it. I mean, it _is_ , but it’s more than that. It’s you. Like I know you look like Jimmy, but I met the guy and you two could not have come across more different. But here it’s the same, you know? You have the same eyes.”

“Do you find her attractive?” Cas asked plainly, making Dean choke.

“Wh-No!” he sputtered. “I mean not that she isn’t, you know, attractive, but I’m not like-I don’t-that’s not what I think when I look at her.”

“What about Jimmy?” Castiel continued.

“Are-are you messing with me?” Cas stared unflinchingly into Dean’s wide nervous eyes. “I-no, not really-I mean-”

“What about me?” his gaze was blisteringly intense now and he looked like he was preparing to command armies, not ask Dean the one question guaranteed to make spontaneous human combustion a real and verifiable phenomenon.

“I-” Dean felt like he was tripping over his tongue. He felt dizzy. “Cas-?”

“I thought you were going to die tonight,” Castiel’s voice sounded dreamy and far away. “I thought he was going to kill you because of me-for what I feel for you-and I wouldn’t ever get the chance to try. We’d both die without you knowing. I’ve decided that is unacceptable”

Dean’s ears were ringing.

“I love you,” Cas said it like someone would state the overwhelmingly obvious, like a person trapped in the rain might say _it’s raining today_.

His vision was suddenly blurry with tears and he was afraid to speak, because he didn’t know how to express the volume of what he felt in a way that would satisfy him. How do you condense eight years into a sentence? He reached for Cas and kissed him, crushing his coat lapels in his hands.

They swayed on the spot like that for a long time, before pulling apart and pressing their foreheads together in replacement for the contact. Castiel wiped a tear from Dean’s cheek.

Dean blushed and hid his face in Castiel’s coat. “S’embarrassing,” he mumbled from somewhere in his shoulder.

“No,” Cas said firmly. “It’s not.”

They back walked to a chair and curled up together. “So,” Castiel pressed a kiss to Dean’s forehead. “Does this mean we won’t fight anymore?”

“Not on your life,” Dean replied, pulling at his hand to try and wrap an arm tighter around him.

They both grinned at each other.

**Author's Note:**

> this fic ended up way more Emotional than i intended i may be inadvertently using writing as therapy for my internalized homophobia and self worth issues. thanks dean. 
> 
> i realized while i was writing that them having photos taken doesnt rly make sense since they were only on earth temporarily for the single mission but what ive imagined to explain it is that benjamin left the pictures for his vessel to keep and i think thats cute. also i needed an excuse for dean to see 1901 castiel.
> 
> im killvvmaims on tumblr!


End file.
